Ron Swanson’s Guide To Escaping Everything Including Escape Rooms

Everyone knows I love solving series of riddles and clues, each more intricate than the last, almost as much as I love strong, dark-haired women and breakfast food. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that I’ve got a few tips for people playing escape rooms.

You won't need your cellphones. 

Outside information won't help you. My advice? Set a strict "No Calls" policy with your friends & tell your assistant to impede every call. The less time you spend taking phone calls, the more time you'll have for important escape rooms. 

Don't Arrive Hungry.

Everybody knows that you need a healthy portion of protein to stay mentally sharp. Do not bother eating the food that your food eats. My favorite choice before an escape room is either a 5 course steak dinner or the meat tornado.

Give 100%. 110% is impossible.


This one is obvious. If one of your friends try to suggest that everyone gives 110%, tell them only idiots recommend that. In fact, it might be time for new friends. I once worked with a man for three years and never got to know his name. Best friend I ever had. 

Inspect Everything.

When it comes to searching for clues, be sure to inspect everything. I usually just check all of the places I would usually hide bacon—unless it can’t be moved easily. Then, I respect the craftsmanship of the prop and do not force it open. Of course, I could easily open most things with just the strength of my pinky, but I don’t.

Regret Nothing.

When I give 100%, I usually win because I prefer to win. Give 100% and you will have nothing to regret. And unless you are at a funeral or the Grand Canyon, don't cry. Enough said. 




Know What You're Working With.

Everything is a clue or a weapon. Usually, it's both. It all depends whose hands the object is in. If a friend does not know what to do with something in the room, consider giving it to someone else to work on. A paper folder in their hands could be much deadlier than a bow in yours. We all have different strengths, so know how to use them. 

Remember Your Enemies.

Whenever you leave an escape room, don't tell your enemies how to escape. I know you are thinking, "What about my friends?" They are all enemies. Some are just better at it than others. Besides, it's better that they figure it out for themselves, or stay locked in that room where they can't bother you. Survival of the fittest.

When you escape, celebrate.

You're probably feeling pretty smart, but don't start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness. Instead, I find that a relaxed face with a slight smile conveys all the emotion I need. See, I'm practically exploding with joy.

Let's Go. 

You’re now ready to escape. If you need to know anything else, too bad. Deal with problems yourselves, like adults. I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe that luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures. Godspeed!

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